A very personal post

Ok, so it’s really been too long since I’ve posted on my blog.  I’ve photographed over 50 seniors, sold many drops from my backdrop company, being a mom and a wife and sane lol.

Anyway, many of you know we lost our second child a year and a half ago.  I have lost a lot of family members and great friends.  The summer I got pregnant with my daughter I lost 7 friends with in about a 3 month period, one which was truly a best friend in my life.  Camille, known as Cam was an amazing woman.  She never had children and we always joked that she was my 2nd mom.  I loved Cam so much and was totally devasted when I found out she had a brain anuerism.

So, that brings me up to when we lost our baby.  I’ve have struggled with this for over a year.  I’m sad when I look at new babies and pregnant women.  One of my good friends is pregnant right now and I can’t lie that it doesn’t hurt to see that.  I have to be brutally honest with myself.

I am a Christian Woman. I believe that Jesus died for me on the cross for my sin and everyone else’s sin.  If you do not believe that I respect that.  But, like I said, I am being brutally honest with my blog post this morning.

Ever since I miscarried our baby, I have been devastated.  I dove so far into work to cope I became nothing as a person.  My faith was completely shattered.  I just couldn’t understand why my loving God would allow my baby to die like that.  I felt like a failure and just have hated myself since then.

We have been trying for over a year to get pregnant again and nothing. I’ve been on clomid and all sorts of testing etc.  I have gotten very mad at God about this.  I didn’t realize I was this mad at Him.

So the other day I was beyond frustration with my life and went to see a pastor.  Joy is her name and let me tell you she does not beat around the bush.  She’s a fiery woman of God and will tell you like it is.  Well, I went in because of the struggles I’ve been having with my faith.

I told her I just couldn’t understand why God would allow this all to happen and to also not become pregnant.  We have one daughter who is 5 and she begs daily for a brother or sister and when I can’t deliver that it’s devastating to me all over again.  I’m 32 years old and my husband is 43 years old and he’s not getting any younger.

Joy said something to me that was so profound to me. It just hit me and I feel like I’ve woken up and realized that no matter how analytical I am and try to figure things out that I will never know and will have to just TRUST.

See, trust has been another huge issue for me because of my past.  Through sexual abuse that I have encountered in my life it’s very hard to trust.  I never thought I would ever go this public about my life but the fact is I went through it and if some girl out there that has  held on to secrets of a rape or molestation please tell someone.  Please tell someone!

It’s not easy to go through these things.  It’s very hard to trust too after the fact.  So in turn, it’s been VERY hard for me to trust the Lord.  He will never leave me nor forsake me but when I’ve gone through the very hard times in my life, I had felt like He was not there for me.  He is always there for me and we just don’t know why some things happen.

Here’s what Joy told me.  A man here in my town spoke it out to her about 5 days after he lost his wife to cancer.

What was said to me in the room the other day was so profound to me.  I feel like I woke up from all the feelings of anger, pain, frustration, sadness etc.  I have been stuck in the Why and the What if and I have not been able to move on.  I have lost sight of the WHO in my life and that is Jesus.  I never thought I would ever fall this hard and now I am down on my knees asking the Lord to forgive me for being completely stuck in the Why and the What If.

See, I blamed myself for losing my baby. I have analyzed and tried to figure out why.  I will honestly never know until I am up in heaven and ask Him myself but even then I believe I will see my baby again so it won’t even matter.

So, I guess the point of my blog post is let’s not be stuck anymore in the Why’s and the What If’s.  I am Not going to lose sight of the WHO in my life anymore.  I am going to trust Jesus that I will have another baby.  I am going to trust Jesus that He will make all things right in my life.

I’m putting my heart and my trust back in the Lord.  I believe He will make all things right.